Swami Tommy: Your Horoscope Today

The Sun had another layoff, and the Mercury went online only -- futher indication of the overall decline in the astronomy industry. The Star-telegram has an appropriate name. Telegrams are even more outmoded means of communication than rolled up newspapers thrown in peoples' front yards. It's going to all be over one day, and people will have to get the predictions of their daily lives on Google. Lots of luck, assholes.

Swami Tommy: Ungrateful bastards

Swami has noticed that many of the world's problems stem from the fact that everybody is a lot dumber than people used to be. Oh, hell yes, people were dumb as dirt back in the day, and most of them held elected office. But now, god damn. It's just out of control. Need proof? One word. Twitter. It's the stupidest thing that ever was invented and everybody is pretending it's good because it's supposed to be cool or something. Is it a plot? A joke we're not in on? Nehru jackets were bad, Viet Nam was a motherfucker. Disco destroyed society. But compared to Twitter, that shit was M&Ms on vanilla ice cream.

Your Horoscope Today

Mars is making a mess of things right now. That accursed planet will not behave itself. It goes from place to place and unpleasantness blossoms in all vicinities it pollutes. Mars sucks. So don't forget that when you're shopping for fish or counseling young people about the vissectitudes of malfeasance involving tire irons. Otherwise, you might find yourself in a quandary.

Your horoscope Today

It don't get any easier and the stars grow sleazier as universal blight creeps across the Milky Way. You look up and say, what is that thing with the glittering rings? It's Saturn and it's entering the House of Bling. There's no mistaking faking when you can't find the real thing. It's a world of falsehood, but if it looks good, eat it. Eat it hard.

Horoscope Today

March to your own drummer, be your own boss, don't just whistle Dixie, make your own kind of music, be in with the in crowd, jump off that treadmill and get into the rat race. Don't even apply pressure and look: Half the cola spill is absorbed. Did you get that, Camera Guy? Sham Wow!

Your Horoscope Today

The handy man whistles a cheery Neptune. The ocean stands still beneath a sideways moon. Be courteous to strangers, but don't give them a ride. The major said the killer's caught; I'm thinking that he lied. It's a good day to shop for musical instruments and to do a colon cleanse. But not at the same time.

Your Horoscope

The moon is in the house of meat. Feel wore out tore out downside from your upside to your feet? Dow Jones can't pay his house note, the Escalade got re-poed. Time twisted as a pigtail and you're raining all the time. Astrology blues. From your head to your shoes. Your stars can't help you now. Please don't ask me how I know. I know.

Your Horoscope Today

Venus is now in Aries, and will graduate from retrograde in April, but she still hasn't decided whether to go to junior college or get a job. If you are single and looking for love, check the pockets of the pants you wore yesterday. Think about having your hair colored or styled in a new way. Now think about an elephant. Do you always do everything I tell you? Send me money.

Horoscope resumes: Swami parachutes back to earth from astral plane

Mars has moved into Pisces and your old girlfriend has moved in with that pierced-up, tattooed dude you hate. So hey, she's getting what she deserves, you know? What a loser, he's got a scorpion etched into his neck and an eyebrow ring. Imagine what a fool he's going to look like 20 years from now. So forget her. On Friday, the sun moves into Ares and you should try to sober up.

Your Horoscope Today

Pluto is a dog, and acts like a dog, but Goofy wears clothing and talks. Why is this? And speaking of dogs, the Jets are nuts if they don't pick up Michael Vick's contract. Sure, you can't expect the guy to play in ATL anymore, but do you think anybody in New York is going to care he did time for fighting pit bulls? New York? You could be a cannibal and those fans wouldn't care. Anyhow, your horoscope and stuff -- you're going to be all lucky and have great love and go on a long trip.

Swami Tommy: Your horoscope today

You may wish to remove and re-install your toilet today. Why not? Go ahead. Give yourself a few hours, though, it's a long process. And no cats in the house while you're doing it. Cats are a one-way ticket on the pain train.

SwamiTommy: Your Horoscope Today

Your ruling planet Venus is in Phoenix and it's ticked because the Suns are on the road. Now would not be the best time to take hostages, but a hot shower might be nice. Ask your grocer about new Ajax. Plumbing is taking on added significance.

Your Horoscope Today

Ring a bell. Shoot a gun. Sweat profusely. Coffee grounds are not a factor in your decisions concernting that thing we talked about. Wear a tuxedo to a Monster Truck rally. Some redneck will beat you up, but you'll be a legend.

SwamiTom: Your Horoscope Today

Tuck in your shirt tail. You look like a bum. Stand up straight. What do you think this is, a tacky party? Geez. What's that in your mouth? Have you been drinking? Straighten up.

SwamiTom: Your Horoscope Today

The eyes are the windows of the soul. The nostrils are the intake and exhaust vaves of the respiratory system. The mouth can chew, suck and lie. Toads figure prominently in your imaginary dreamscapes as Taurus goes out of production and Cancer goes into remission. Quit whining. Nobody likes a whiner.

SwamiTommy: Your Horoscope Today

You may find yourself wondering why they call them monitor lizards. That's a good question. It's not like they monitor anything. They're just these big, sharptoothed, mean, hideous, stupid nastiest creatures on the planet. If one came in Swami's yard, he would shoot it. There's a cat that comes in Swami's yard, and it's a nice cat. That's OK. But monitor lizards? No way!

Swami Tommy: Your horoscope yesterday and the day before

Agh! Swami got busy and wasn't able to update. Sorry about the situation with the ex and the thing with the wild dogs and the house trailer. I guess that could have been avoided. Hang in there.

Swami Tommy: Your Horoscope Today

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. Free Doritos are a possibility today, and canned corn is just over the horizon. Pitchers and catchers report and Venus aligns with Mercury. Lennon reads a book on Marx and we sing dirges in the dark.

SwamiTommy:

If I were you I wouldn't even go outside today. If you do, stay low to the groud and zigzag when you run.

Swami Tommy: Squirrels, cheese and Jupiter's issues

Look for squirrels to factor into decisions about your personal finances and dog grooming along with situations relating to cheese. Jupiter is wreaking havoc in your current energies because it is self-conscious about its enormous size and all those moons. There's really not much you can do about it. Jupiter is nuts. Rotate your tires.

SwamiTommy: Your Horoscope Today

It's going to be quiet day. Nothing's going to happen.

Swami Tommy: Your horoscope today

You are warmhearted, patient, kind and enjoy bacon. Never forget how important the past is. You know what happened in the past and you don't know what's going to happen in the future. So trying to remember the future is a real waste of time. You could send a thank-you note to somebody who helped you in the past and they'd probably appreciate it. But if you sent a thank-you note to somebody for helping you in the future, they'd probably think you some kind of a nut. And no, ketchup doesn't count as a vegetable on Weight-Watchers and you're really pushing it if you wear blue socks with black shoes, even if you are a man.

Swami Tommy Your Horoscope Today

Unanus and Venus are trine real hard, but they just can't seem to get anything accomplished. The mojojo's just no gogo and somedays you're the windshield and other days your're the bug. It's a time like these you want to avoid wearing wool and linen, and don't put cheese on your lamb sandwiches. Tie your shoes

SwamiTommy: Your Horoscope Today 1.27.2009

Mercury used to be a pretty good car. Saturn's on its last legs and Pluto's not even a planet anymore Along those same lines, sooner or later, bran flakes are in your future. Everything that possibly can happen will happen and particles move forward and backwards in time at all times and in all places. So roll with it or get rolled. If you were born on Mars instead of Earth, your Mars would be in Virgo, not Taurus, so think about that the next time you shop for wingtips. Hold tight to parking vaildation tickets, see your dentist twice a year and don't ever buy that dark-chocolate peanut butter stuff they have at Publix, or you will eat the whole jar in one sitting.

SwamiTommy: The Week Ahead

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Monday’s new moon solar eclipse takes place in the sky, and the sky is where all the stars are, so this is a pretty big deal, astrology-wise. Monday you may feel like eating a lot of Jell-o and shopping for cleaning products. By midweek you might feel your energy ebbing as dark forces of universal abysmalness take the form of a crow that sits on the roof of your car. Just go, "Shoo," and it will fly away. By Friday, everything should be back to normal, and your appetite for destruction and Chinese food will have returned. ¶
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SwamiTommy: Stars tutorial

The stars are very important to astrology. It is by following the seemingly chaotic movement of big burning balls of gas tens of millions of light years away that SwamiTommy is able to discern whether some guy in Iowa should start a diet, or if a kid in Newark is going to get a bicycle for his birthday.

It's all there, you just have to know where to look.

Here are some examples of stars. Stare at them a very long time and you will see what I mean.

SwamiTommy: Your Horoscope Today 1.25.2009

Mars trines Neptune and Mercury enters seventh grade this week. The energy of that planetary alignment could cause you to be a bit testy or short tempered. If a pop-up ad explodes onto your computer screen and locks your keyboard, you might feel the impulse to pick the whole thing up, carry it outside and throw it in the swimming pool. Don't do that. You don't have a swimming pool. You should seek to give nurturing goodness to your family, friends and neighbors no matter how much you would like to run over them in your car. Sit quietly and think of butterflies.

SwamiTommy: Your Horoscope Today

The troubled economy might have you thinking about playing the market by finding stock bargains and turning a quick proft. Why don't you just give me your money and let me lose it for you? It's an auspicious time for learning the Dewey Decimal System and corroborating evidence. Maybe you'te thinking of cleansing your body of toxins by attaching those Japanese things that you stick on your feet before you go to sleep and they turn black and gooey by the time you wake up. They'll do the same thing if you put them in a microwave. Don't ask me how I know this.

Swami Tommy: Your Horoscope Today

You have a natural fondness for cheese fondue and Keynesian economics, which can cause you to be quite a bore at parties. Avoid discussions centering around monetarist policy and for heaven's sake, wipe your chin. By now you should know that cruciform vegetables are not the answer to everything, so stop pushing the cauliflower on everybody. Cauliflower is gruesome.

SwamiTommy: Your Horoscope Today

You may have the unusual sense that you are being watched today. That's because you are being watched. New President Barack Obama is on to you and knows all about your nefarious activities and has charged both the FBI and the CIA with ending your reign of terror. You're not suffering from paranoia or delusions of grandeur. You really are an international spy and the hammer's about to drop, sucker.

SwamiTommy: Your Horoscope Today

You have a natural curiosity about electronic gadgets. Today migth be a good day to take apart your new iPhone and put it back together, or perhaps to finally see if you can convert that electric can opener into a weapon. Don't let the recent stock market trends affect your shoe selection -- your feet are second in importance only to your refrigerator.

SwamiTommy: Your Horoscope Today

Uranus enters the House of Pancakes this week, giving new left-handed power to the planetary lineup and creating a favorable environment for pest control and momentary periods of dissonance. Goat owners are entering a particularly fertile period of visionary nuance and pulchritudious nefeariousness. Plant a garden. Watch TV. Enjoy your meal.

SwamiTommy: Your Horoscope Today

You might get the unusual feeling that you are a kangaroo today, but you won't be, so just lay low until the feeling passes. Conditions are favorable for business meetings, car jackings and ulterior motives. If you are planning to take revenge against a loved one or sit for a civil service exam, now would be a good time to stock up on shaving cream, itching powder and No. 2 pencils. Your lucky number is infinity minus 1.