SwamiTommy:

If I were you I wouldn't even go outside today. If you do, stay low to the groud and zigzag when you run.

Swami Tommy: Squirrels, cheese and Jupiter's issues

Look for squirrels to factor into decisions about your personal finances and dog grooming along with situations relating to cheese. Jupiter is wreaking havoc in your current energies because it is self-conscious about its enormous size and all those moons. There's really not much you can do about it. Jupiter is nuts. Rotate your tires.

SwamiTommy: Your Horoscope Today

It's going to be quiet day. Nothing's going to happen.

Swami Tommy: Your horoscope today

You are warmhearted, patient, kind and enjoy bacon. Never forget how important the past is. You know what happened in the past and you don't know what's going to happen in the future. So trying to remember the future is a real waste of time. You could send a thank-you note to somebody who helped you in the past and they'd probably appreciate it. But if you sent a thank-you note to somebody for helping you in the future, they'd probably think you some kind of a nut. And no, ketchup doesn't count as a vegetable on Weight-Watchers and you're really pushing it if you wear blue socks with black shoes, even if you are a man.

Swami Tommy Your Horoscope Today

Unanus and Venus are trine real hard, but they just can't seem to get anything accomplished. The mojojo's just no gogo and somedays you're the windshield and other days your're the bug. It's a time like these you want to avoid wearing wool and linen, and don't put cheese on your lamb sandwiches. Tie your shoes

SwamiTommy: Your Horoscope Today 1.27.2009

Mercury used to be a pretty good car. Saturn's on its last legs and Pluto's not even a planet anymore Along those same lines, sooner or later, bran flakes are in your future. Everything that possibly can happen will happen and particles move forward and backwards in time at all times and in all places. So roll with it or get rolled. If you were born on Mars instead of Earth, your Mars would be in Virgo, not Taurus, so think about that the next time you shop for wingtips. Hold tight to parking vaildation tickets, see your dentist twice a year and don't ever buy that dark-chocolate peanut butter stuff they have at Publix, or you will eat the whole jar in one sitting.

SwamiTommy: The Week Ahead

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Monday’s new moon solar eclipse takes place in the sky, and the sky is where all the stars are, so this is a pretty big deal, astrology-wise. Monday you may feel like eating a lot of Jell-o and shopping for cleaning products. By midweek you might feel your energy ebbing as dark forces of universal abysmalness take the form of a crow that sits on the roof of your car. Just go, "Shoo," and it will fly away. By Friday, everything should be back to normal, and your appetite for destruction and Chinese food will have returned. ¶
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SwamiTommy: Stars tutorial

The stars are very important to astrology. It is by following the seemingly chaotic movement of big burning balls of gas tens of millions of light years away that SwamiTommy is able to discern whether some guy in Iowa should start a diet, or if a kid in Newark is going to get a bicycle for his birthday.

It's all there, you just have to know where to look.

Here are some examples of stars. Stare at them a very long time and you will see what I mean.

SwamiTommy: Your Horoscope Today 1.25.2009

Mars trines Neptune and Mercury enters seventh grade this week. The energy of that planetary alignment could cause you to be a bit testy or short tempered. If a pop-up ad explodes onto your computer screen and locks your keyboard, you might feel the impulse to pick the whole thing up, carry it outside and throw it in the swimming pool. Don't do that. You don't have a swimming pool. You should seek to give nurturing goodness to your family, friends and neighbors no matter how much you would like to run over them in your car. Sit quietly and think of butterflies.

SwamiTommy: Your Horoscope Today

The troubled economy might have you thinking about playing the market by finding stock bargains and turning a quick proft. Why don't you just give me your money and let me lose it for you? It's an auspicious time for learning the Dewey Decimal System and corroborating evidence. Maybe you'te thinking of cleansing your body of toxins by attaching those Japanese things that you stick on your feet before you go to sleep and they turn black and gooey by the time you wake up. They'll do the same thing if you put them in a microwave. Don't ask me how I know this.

Swami Tommy: Your Horoscope Today

You have a natural fondness for cheese fondue and Keynesian economics, which can cause you to be quite a bore at parties. Avoid discussions centering around monetarist policy and for heaven's sake, wipe your chin. By now you should know that cruciform vegetables are not the answer to everything, so stop pushing the cauliflower on everybody. Cauliflower is gruesome.

SwamiTommy: Your Horoscope Today

You may have the unusual sense that you are being watched today. That's because you are being watched. New President Barack Obama is on to you and knows all about your nefarious activities and has charged both the FBI and the CIA with ending your reign of terror. You're not suffering from paranoia or delusions of grandeur. You really are an international spy and the hammer's about to drop, sucker.

SwamiTommy: Your Horoscope Today

You have a natural curiosity about electronic gadgets. Today migth be a good day to take apart your new iPhone and put it back together, or perhaps to finally see if you can convert that electric can opener into a weapon. Don't let the recent stock market trends affect your shoe selection -- your feet are second in importance only to your refrigerator.

SwamiTommy: Your Horoscope Today

Uranus enters the House of Pancakes this week, giving new left-handed power to the planetary lineup and creating a favorable environment for pest control and momentary periods of dissonance. Goat owners are entering a particularly fertile period of visionary nuance and pulchritudious nefeariousness. Plant a garden. Watch TV. Enjoy your meal.

SwamiTommy: Your Horoscope Today

You might get the unusual feeling that you are a kangaroo today, but you won't be, so just lay low until the feeling passes. Conditions are favorable for business meetings, car jackings and ulterior motives. If you are planning to take revenge against a loved one or sit for a civil service exam, now would be a good time to stock up on shaving cream, itching powder and No. 2 pencils. Your lucky number is infinity minus 1.