Your Horoscope Today

Pluto is a dog, and acts like a dog, but Goofy wears clothing and talks. Why is this? And speaking of dogs, the Jets are nuts if they don't pick up Michael Vick's contract. Sure, you can't expect the guy to play in ATL anymore, but do you think anybody in New York is going to care he did time for fighting pit bulls? New York? You could be a cannibal and those fans wouldn't care. Anyhow, your horoscope and stuff -- you're going to be all lucky and have great love and go on a long trip.

Swami Tommy: Your horoscope today

You may wish to remove and re-install your toilet today. Why not? Go ahead. Give yourself a few hours, though, it's a long process. And no cats in the house while you're doing it. Cats are a one-way ticket on the pain train.

SwamiTommy: Your Horoscope Today

Your ruling planet Venus is in Phoenix and it's ticked because the Suns are on the road. Now would not be the best time to take hostages, but a hot shower might be nice. Ask your grocer about new Ajax. Plumbing is taking on added significance.

Your Horoscope Today

Ring a bell. Shoot a gun. Sweat profusely. Coffee grounds are not a factor in your decisions concernting that thing we talked about. Wear a tuxedo to a Monster Truck rally. Some redneck will beat you up, but you'll be a legend.

SwamiTom: Your Horoscope Today

Tuck in your shirt tail. You look like a bum. Stand up straight. What do you think this is, a tacky party? Geez. What's that in your mouth? Have you been drinking? Straighten up.

SwamiTom: Your Horoscope Today

The eyes are the windows of the soul. The nostrils are the intake and exhaust vaves of the respiratory system. The mouth can chew, suck and lie. Toads figure prominently in your imaginary dreamscapes as Taurus goes out of production and Cancer goes into remission. Quit whining. Nobody likes a whiner.

SwamiTommy: Your Horoscope Today

You may find yourself wondering why they call them monitor lizards. That's a good question. It's not like they monitor anything. They're just these big, sharptoothed, mean, hideous, stupid nastiest creatures on the planet. If one came in Swami's yard, he would shoot it. There's a cat that comes in Swami's yard, and it's a nice cat. That's OK. But monitor lizards? No way!

Swami Tommy: Your horoscope yesterday and the day before

Agh! Swami got busy and wasn't able to update. Sorry about the situation with the ex and the thing with the wild dogs and the house trailer. I guess that could have been avoided. Hang in there.

Swami Tommy: Your Horoscope Today

Two wrongs don't make a right, but three lefts do. Free Doritos are a possibility today, and canned corn is just over the horizon. Pitchers and catchers report and Venus aligns with Mercury. Lennon reads a book on Marx and we sing dirges in the dark.