Your Horoscope Today

The handy man whistles a cheery Neptune. The ocean stands still beneath a sideways moon. Be courteous to strangers, but don't give them a ride. The major said the killer's caught; I'm thinking that he lied. It's a good day to shop for musical instruments and to do a colon cleanse. But not at the same time.

Your Horoscope

The moon is in the house of meat. Feel wore out tore out downside from your upside to your feet? Dow Jones can't pay his house note, the Escalade got re-poed. Time twisted as a pigtail and you're raining all the time. Astrology blues. From your head to your shoes. Your stars can't help you now. Please don't ask me how I know. I know.

Your Horoscope Today

Venus is now in Aries, and will graduate from retrograde in April, but she still hasn't decided whether to go to junior college or get a job. If you are single and looking for love, check the pockets of the pants you wore yesterday. Think about having your hair colored or styled in a new way. Now think about an elephant. Do you always do everything I tell you? Send me money.

Horoscope resumes: Swami parachutes back to earth from astral plane

Mars has moved into Pisces and your old girlfriend has moved in with that pierced-up, tattooed dude you hate. So hey, she's getting what she deserves, you know? What a loser, he's got a scorpion etched into his neck and an eyebrow ring. Imagine what a fool he's going to look like 20 years from now. So forget her. On Friday, the sun moves into Ares and you should try to sober up.