Swami Tommy: Your Horoscope Today

The Sun had another layoff, and the Mercury went online only -- futher indication of the overall decline in the astronomy industry. The Star-telegram has an appropriate name. Telegrams are even more outmoded means of communication than rolled up newspapers thrown in peoples' front yards. It's going to all be over one day, and people will have to get the predictions of their daily lives on Google. Lots of luck, assholes.

Swami Tommy: Ungrateful bastards

Swami has noticed that many of the world's problems stem from the fact that everybody is a lot dumber than people used to be. Oh, hell yes, people were dumb as dirt back in the day, and most of them held elected office. But now, god damn. It's just out of control. Need proof? One word. Twitter. It's the stupidest thing that ever was invented and everybody is pretending it's good because it's supposed to be cool or something. Is it a plot? A joke we're not in on? Nehru jackets were bad, Viet Nam was a motherfucker. Disco destroyed society. But compared to Twitter, that shit was M&Ms on vanilla ice cream.