Swami Tommy: Your Horoscope Today

The Sun had another layoff, and the Mercury went online only -- futher indication of the overall decline in the astronomy industry. The Star-telegram has an appropriate name. Telegrams are even more outmoded means of communication than rolled up newspapers thrown in peoples' front yards. It's going to all be over one day, and people will have to get the predictions of their daily lives on Google. Lots of luck, assholes.

Swami Tommy: Ungrateful bastards

Swami has noticed that many of the world's problems stem from the fact that everybody is a lot dumber than people used to be. Oh, hell yes, people were dumb as dirt back in the day, and most of them held elected office. But now, god damn. It's just out of control. Need proof? One word. Twitter. It's the stupidest thing that ever was invented and everybody is pretending it's good because it's supposed to be cool or something. Is it a plot? A joke we're not in on? Nehru jackets were bad, Viet Nam was a motherfucker. Disco destroyed society. But compared to Twitter, that shit was M&Ms on vanilla ice cream.

Your Horoscope Today

Mars is making a mess of things right now. That accursed planet will not behave itself. It goes from place to place and unpleasantness blossoms in all vicinities it pollutes. Mars sucks. So don't forget that when you're shopping for fish or counseling young people about the vissectitudes of malfeasance involving tire irons. Otherwise, you might find yourself in a quandary.

Your horoscope Today

It don't get any easier and the stars grow sleazier as universal blight creeps across the Milky Way. You look up and say, what is that thing with the glittering rings? It's Saturn and it's entering the House of Bling. There's no mistaking faking when you can't find the real thing. It's a world of falsehood, but if it looks good, eat it. Eat it hard.

Horoscope Today

March to your own drummer, be your own boss, don't just whistle Dixie, make your own kind of music, be in with the in crowd, jump off that treadmill and get into the rat race. Don't even apply pressure and look: Half the cola spill is absorbed. Did you get that, Camera Guy? Sham Wow!

Your Horoscope Today

The handy man whistles a cheery Neptune. The ocean stands still beneath a sideways moon. Be courteous to strangers, but don't give them a ride. The major said the killer's caught; I'm thinking that he lied. It's a good day to shop for musical instruments and to do a colon cleanse. But not at the same time.

Your Horoscope

The moon is in the house of meat. Feel wore out tore out downside from your upside to your feet? Dow Jones can't pay his house note, the Escalade got re-poed. Time twisted as a pigtail and you're raining all the time. Astrology blues. From your head to your shoes. Your stars can't help you now. Please don't ask me how I know. I know.